What's going on with 4 year olds?

4 year olds are crazy. Arguably my favourite age group - one could conquer the world with 4 year olds, if you could find a way to keep them motivated and focussed. I get a lot of parents coming in, concerned about their 4 year olds, usually because the child has become very emotional and they are worried about it.

When one of my own children was 4 years old, I questioned my sanity on many occasions. One minute, she was sweet and helpful. Next minute she was throwing a tantrum that could bring down an entire shopping mall. I was trying to be a good parent so, one day I was taking her to a birthday party and she was going through a nudist phase. More specifically, she did not want to wear underwear. I decided to let her pick her own clothes that day - stupidly, I know... but we were encouraged to foster independence and choosing her own outfit was one way to do that. She chose a skirt. I made sure she had underwear on before buckling her firmly into her car seat and taking her to the party. She still had underwear on when I took her out of her car seat. We went into the party house and she ran off to the jumping castle while I exchanged pleasantries with the host. 2 minutes later, I was confronted by a "concerned parent". Why? "Um... please go and see what your child is doing on the jumping castle." On my way there, I saw underwear on the grass.... then I looked up and she was mid jump, skirt in the air, butt in the wind... boys having an anatomy lesson everywhere. I got looks from all the mums. When I insisted that this was not appropriate and underwear had to be worn... the tantrum started. I don't remember what happened after that. I think I still have PTSD.

So what is going on with these 4 year olds? Brain development in children is very rapid and is constantly happening throughout their childhood. At around 4 years of age, they are experiencing rapid growth in the area of the brain that controls the fight/flight response. They are going through something called synaptic pruning, which starts when they are around 2 years old and continues through until they are around 10 - although there is some evidence to show that this can continue until they are adults. The brain is building connections through experiences all the time and eventually it is a mess of connections. At around 4, the brain's glucose uptake peaks to the highest level in the lifespan. The 4 year old brain is very busy. Synaptic pruning is where the brain deletes connections that aren't very well developed or haven't been used much and strengthens the ones that do get used. The brain is essentially restructuring itself and it is doing that throughout childhood but, around 4 years old, it is doing that at the same time as developing the area that controls emotions. The emotions are all over the place, they are constantly in fight/flight over things that are not threats at all, their brain is trying to figure out which connections to use and which connections to discard so they don't always respond to every situation in the same way because neural pathways are not properly set. They have developed language and seem like they are reasonable human beings, but the part of their brain that controls their impulse control and cognitive understanding of their own emotions and what may have triggered them is not working that well because it is underdeveloped and won't mature until they are 25 years old. The various parts of their brain are still learning how to talk to each other in a logical way, so at 4, their brain is really more like an unpredictable maze that is constantly being triggered and doesn't understand why at all because really, there probably isn't a logical reason why. I am not a neuroscientist - but I do understand that 4 year old brains are going through a major upgrade and using a lot of energy. Often, you can't reason with a 4 year old, just like you can't reason with anyone who is triggered in a fight/flight response. At the same time, 4 year olds are learning like a sponge. Every experience they have is learning. What they spend their time doing determines how strong the connections are in their brain and the weaker connections will get culled. So a child who spends the large majority of their time on a screen instead of playing and experiencing the world, is not forming a lot of strong connections around things other than whatever is happening on their screen and those weak connections will eventually be lost if they are not used.

What do 4 year olds need? Most importantly, they need to feel neurologically safe. They achieve that through co-regulation with a healthy attachment figure. Somebody in their life needs to be looking beyond the behaviour and emotions and asking the question "what does this child need right now"? All behaviour is driven by an underlying need. That need is met through attachment. 4 year olds need a lot of opportunity to play creatively and explore their world in as many ways as possible. Good experiences that you would like to maintain and foster in their lives, need to be repeated. Emotional regulation needs to be achieved in the context of unconditional acceptance by at least one adult. Things like screens need to be kept in balance - I am not saying no screens... but there does need to be a limit. Children who spend to much time on screens lose the ability to play creatively without the screen. The screen is determining the content and context of what is happening and not the child. For a child to work through their emotions and process the events in their lives, they need to be able to freely play with objects and use them to create the context and content they need for their brain to figure out the connections. If there is ever a time when play is important in their lives, I would say 4 year olds need it most. It is important for their brain development, emotional regulation and self awareness. Doing that play in the context of healthy attachment is important and essential for healthy emotional functioning. Parents that play with their kids are doing them a favour and helping them develop.

So your 4 year old is like a crazy, triggered teenager in a small body and sometimes their brain works well but other times it doesn't and there is no way of knowing when the crazy will strike. They are angry one minute and sad the next and then 5 seconds later they are laughing again. Today they like peas. Tomorrow peas are the worst. One second they understand that they have to wear underwear. The next minute there is an apocolypse because underwear is a torture device. There is likely not a lot wrong with your 4 year old. They are just going through a developmental phase. Sometimes you may be starting to see signs of neurodivergence, or there may have been trauma but usually there were warning signs prior to the age of 4 or you are aware of the traumatic event, etc. If this just came out of nowhere and there is no clear trigger - work on your healthy attachment with your child, look for the underlying need and play with them. Stay calm even when they are not calm. And look after yourself. This stage will pass.